Lessons from a lover.
Quarantine has been filled with love in both friendships and partnerships. With this newfound time and our virtual work settings, collectively we have found and embraced one of life’s greatest powers.
Love.
Love is new to me. However, this quarantine I have learned some fundamental lessons about the purpose and power of authentic, healthy love in every facet of life.
It starts within.
The health of a relationship, platonic and otherwise, is determined by the health of your soul. Your soul is a pre-determinant of the role you will play in the world, and subsequently in your relationships.
As a self-proclaimed lover by nature, I have always looked for love. Sometimes in the right places, but overwhelmingly in the wrong places. My mistake, a mistake many of us fall victim to, was in the fact I assumed I was ready for love. The key to healthy partnerships is being a healthy person. When you look, you will not find love. When you prepare, it will find you.
Growing up I was always fit. I worked out, was in tip top shape and I assumed that that meant I was a healthy person.
I was wrong.
Somewhere along my journey through friendships and partnerships I found that my external desires (love) were hindering my internal growth. I tried to skip all of the important steps only to realize that skipping steps is a first-class ticket to a dead end. When you are not right to yourself, you can never sustain being right to another person.
Reflecting on failed relationships, I quickly came to the conclusion that I pointed the mirror at others, forcing them to look at their toxic tendencies, soon learning that the mirror needed to be at myself. It is so easy to recognize the wrong in others, but it takes a special, self-observant person to acknowledge their own imperfections.
Human nature guides us to protecting ourselves from others. When in reality, we are typically the ones harming ourselves the most.
The most important thing I have ever done for myself is being incredibly selfish in my journey towards figuring out who I am. From this continuous work, I learn that selfishness when you’re young has the potential to make you an incredibly healthy and selfless partner and friend when you are ready.
Keep it a stack.
Recently I watched a video from sexologist Shannon Boodram on “Why Nice People Finish Last”. I suggest anyone who has a tendency to be compulsively nice watch it.
In her conversation on why people who are excessively nice finish last, she makes a very important point:
Excessive niceness is neediness disguised.
I had a serious problem with excessive niceness with my friends and partners. I had to be the one that kept my authentic feelings inside, if I felt they would hurt someone I truly loved. In theory, that seemed like I was an incredibly selfless and kind person, right?
Wrong.
At the heart of all unwavering kindness is manipulation. Manipulation that stems from a fear that no one will love you if you are 1000% who you are. I am here to say, that is not true.
When I look around at all the people that have stayed in my life for years. My closest friends and family members, I realize that I was 1000% me with them. Blunt, but kind at heart and well-intended. And though I am undeniably difficult to handle, they stayed and continue to stay.
Authenticity is enough. In fact, it is the only thing that truly matters.
The key to ending your compulsive niceness again, stems from your soul. Your soul determines if you are a weak or a strong person. And though kindness is important, too much is alarming.
Shannon left us with an important acronym:
HAIL: Honest. Authentic. Integrity. Love.
Implementing those four traits into every interaction I have, has helped me be a better person and a healthier lover.
It is difficult in practice because naturally we have a tendency to want to protect our loved ones. But the only truth that really harms us and the people we love, is the one left unsaid.
Know what you want.
When you start to look, know what you are trying to find.
A couple of months ago I had a falling out with some people that I considered close friends. In my head, I thought we would be friends our entire life. So, when it ended, I was confused and mad at everyone but myself.
The failure of that relationship did not stem from them. At all. They were always going to be who they are. People can only be who they are, it is your responsibility to see that and adjust.
When you know what you want, you know who will not work in your life. By not understanding my standards and non-negotiables, I fell for anything and everything. Boundaries and hard lines are the key to healthy relationships. Without them, we are merely sheep following the herd. There is no real joy and sustainability in that.
Lists have helped me to discover my needs. Before you jump into any friendship or partnership write down or mentally note what you are willing to deal with and what is unacceptable. Be extremely, almost annoyingly intentional, about what your wants and needs are. If you do not protect them, do not be mad when someone else does not.
A common misconception is that when you find love you have to hold onto and fight for it. Without knowing what it is you are willing to fight for; you will be fighting forever. And at some point, you will burn out.
Love is worth fighting for, sometimes you will have to work to make it work. But working for something that has no real value or meaning will limit you.
Look outside of yourself.
This is a tricky skill to master. I still have not mastered it. But I can say that looking outside of yourself, sometimes, will help you to be more desirable. I used to think that love was about what I wanted, what made me happy and how I saw the world. All those things are important. But it is easy to get caught up in yourself and lose your purpose in others’ lives.
When you exist alone, focused on yourself, it is important to be selfish and put all your focus within. On the other hand, when you are committed to being good to others and entering others’ lives, you are challenged to be of service to those people.
Sometimes that means stepping outside of yourself. Outside of how you grew up and what you think is true, in order to cultivate a space where people unlike you, can feel safe and loved.
That is incredibly difficult.
Again, we are taught to survive at all costs. Sometimes that can be confused with selfishness. The power in love lies in both the acceptance we feel and the sacrifices we are willing to make for the ones closest to us.
In essence, from what I have observed, the best results come from an even balance between self-preservation and sacrifice.
But again, this sacrifice should not be reserved for everyone. It should be a special gift for the people we think are worth it.
Get out your head.
Being a thinker and not an observer will destroy the goodness in your life. Overthinking is a terrible pattern to get into. But it is natural when something we really want is at stake.
I encourage anyone who has an overthinking problem to sit with your thoughts before you react on them. Too many thoughts can be overwhelming and as a result they can cause you to second guess a good thing.
Love can be great and feel great, but without positive thoughts you will not see that. Go with your gut, your intuition. Of course, thinking is important, but overthinking is a sign of insecurity and that will erode at your connections.
I have fallen in love with distance running and meditating. It silences my thoughts and allows me to see truth and ignore lies. It keeps me in the now. I suggest this for anyone who thinks a lot. Meditation specifically will allow you to feel grounded. It provides a since of internal clarity that the worlds external distractions can cause us to neglect.
Through meditation and exercise, you will quickly learn that most of your thoughts are limiting assumptions.
When it works, it will work.
This one is simple. Let go or let it grow. Have faith in the universe and the divinity of love. Know your power, step into your bag.
Your time will come, make sure you’re ready.
